


Under the Frozen Sunset

by untilitbreaks



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Personal Growth, Self-Discovery, pandemic era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28772232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untilitbreaks/pseuds/untilitbreaks
Summary: Soobin is pretty sure that he has dating BTS Jungkook under control—until the world turns upside down.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Jeon Jungkook
Comments: 7
Kudos: 151





	Under the Frozen Sunset

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! i couldn’t get soobkook out of my head, dove headfirst into becoming a full moa, and then this happened. needless to say, there is much more soobkook in my future. enjoy!

* * *

The first time Choi Soobin kisses Jeon Jungkook is during their third date, after Jungkook leans over the middle seat of their taxi on the way to his apartment and whispers, “I have the dorm to myself tonight.”

Soobin has been in the industry for long enough to know that this means something more like _I like you, I want to get to know you where there aren’t any cameras around_ than anything else, perhaps the things that most people their age would assume come with such an offer. Soobin nods and says, “I don’t want the night to end now,” and a small smirk appears on Jungkook’s lips before he tells their driver that there’s been a change of plans; they’re to be dropped off at the same location.

Soobin grins for the rest of the ride to Jungkook’s apartment. It’s late and the street is dark and empty. There’s a brisk chill in the air, one that makes him brave enough to walk close enough to Jungkook’s side that their shoulders brush. His heart skips a beat when Jungkook’s hand finds his, their pinkies brushing together. He takes Jungkook’s hand before he can second-guess himself, and is rewarded with the soft squeeze of Jungkook’s palm against his own. 

Even now, Soobin isn’t really used to it. Dating Jeon Jungkook. _Dating_ Jeon Jungkook. Dating _Jeon Jungkook._ This may be due in part to the fact that their first date had been a bit of an accident, and they’d begun to inhabit each other’s space naturally from then on.

To this day, Soobin can count on his two hands the amount of times he’s been in close contact with BTS—but this, he imagines, will soon change. Sometimes, when he looks at Jungkook, he has to remind himself not to stare. They’re employed by the same company, but Jungkook’s career is light years away from Soobin’s. Soobin fears that Jungkook thinks that he’s just _cute_ , although he knows that this is his insecurity speaking, because Jungkook is far from being the type of person who wouldn’t take Soobin seriously.

Still, Jungkook is beautiful—he’s intelligent, he’s kind, he’s ambitious, he’s handsome, and Soobin—

Soobin is starstruck.

A few months ago, he could hardly believe that he was texting with BTS Jungkook, of all people. BTS Jungkook was telling him _refer to me as hyung, please_ and blushing when Soobin did, and Soobin typed out at least a dozen messages along the lines of _Thank you, your music has influenced me so much, I love you_ that he deleted because he thought that it might be strange to tell Jungkook that he loves him now that they had officially gone from strangers to _friends._

When conversation in the BTS-TXT group chat once led to Jungkook offering to take Soobin and Beomgyu out for tteokbokki on their next free day, Soobin accepted. How could he say no?

When, on the day that they were supposed to meet Jungkook for lunch, Beomgyu crawled into Soobin’s arms and cuddled him as he told him that something came up with his family and he wouldn’t be able to join Soobin, Soobin didn’t cancel on Jungkook. How could he, when it had taken them weeks to settle on a date? How could he, when Beomgyu was so sincerely apologetic that he looked like he might cry if Soobin was upset with him?

It wasn’t until Soobin had sent Beomgyu off on his way to Daegu that it hit him that he was going to be alone with Jungkook. He was going to have a whole meal alone with Jungkook, without a screen to hide behind, without Yeonjun to lighten the mood with a few impeccably-timed jokes, without his cute maknaes to divert attention to if he started struggling for words.

Before his first date with Jungkook, Soobin was terrified. And it wasn’t as if it was meant to be a date—Soobin only realized this as he was on his way home from the restaurant, unable to stop smiling as he read over the KKT message Jungkook had just sent him: _Did you get home okay? We should do this again sometime._

Yeonjun was waiting for him at home, a smug smile plastered on his face. “You’re looking awfully happy, Soobin-ah. What were you so nervous for? Did you have as good of a time as it looks like you did? What was Jungkook like? Tell me _everything.”_

Soobin told Yeonjun about his date over a late dinner—because time had passed so quickly with Jungkook that he hadn’t made it back in time for dinner with the members—after answering Jungkook’s message with a _Yes! I had a great time. What does your schedule look like?_

Soobin’s second date with Jungkook was to see a movie both of them had expressed looking forward to on their first date. Their showing was so late at night that the theater was almost empty, but they wore disguises and sat in the seats all the way in the back anyway. Conversation with Jungkook, Soobin found, is easy, because they have more in common than he ever would have guessed.

Jungkook made Soobin laugh. He made him feel comfortable, too, and as Soobin watched Jungkook lick butter from their popcorn off his lips in the light of the opening scene of the movie, he blurted, “Is this a date?”

Before becoming an idol, Soobin hadn’t been very interested in dating. As a trainee, he’d been too busy for it (although Yeonjun had found time, miraculously, along with being good at everything a trainee was supposed to be good at and more). And now, dating was simply too difficult.

This was also the most bold thing Soobin had ever said to a potential romantic partner, and the tips of his ears immediately reddened.

But Jungkook didn’t make fun of him for his awkwardness, or look angry at Soobin for assuming such a thing. He simply looked at Soobin, very gently, his eyes wide and doe-like, and said, “Do you want it to be?”

Soobin’s heart felt like it might pound out of his chest, but he couldn’t imagine the experience becoming even more embarrassing than it already was, so he decided that honesty was the best way to go. “I’d like that, if you feel the same—”

This time, Jungkook’s cheeks flushed. _“Yes,”_ he said, before Soobin could finish his sentence. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Yes. I was hoping you’d ask.”

Halfway through the movie, Jungkook inched close enough to Soobin to let his head rest against his shoulder. “Is this okay?” he whispered, so quietly and tentatively that Soobin could barely hear him over the sound of an explosion on-screen.

It made Soobin wonder if maybe Jungkook was just as nervous as Soobin was. “Of course, hyung,” he whispered back, and Jungkook relaxed and the weight of his head against Soobin’s shoulder felt just as natural as asking him out.

It’s this that leads them to their third date—and the dozens of virtual conversations between them, as many as they can manage even though both of them are busy and also extremely careful about what they say that can’t be discarded as easily as a face-to-face conversation. For their third date, Jungkook rents out a private room in a restaurant that Soobin can’t afford. “I’m sorry if it’s too much,” he says when Soobin’s jaw drops at sight of the menu. “I wanted to do something nice to make up for not asking you out properly before.”

When associating with someone like Jungkook, one quickly learns to get used to how different his life is compared to the average person’s—only enhanced versions of the changes Soobin had had to make when he’d signed his contract with BigHit.

Soobin is still training himself not to get too flustered by the fact that he’s dating Jeon Jungkook, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being amazed by how incredible of a person he is, something that would always hold true regardless of his fame.

Throughout the date, there’s a particular sort of tension that grows between them—especially fueled by the fact that it’s been so long since they last saw each other—that Soobin has rarely felt before. He knows that Jungkook feels the same way, based on how he keeps glancing at Soobin whenever he thinks that Soobin isn’t looking. He doesn’t blame Jungkook—he knows for a fact that he’s been even more obvious about the glances he sneaks at him.

It makes Soobin feel powerful, the thought that Jungkook might be just as into him as he is into Jungkook. This makes it difficult for Soobin to keep his hands off Jungkook—or from fantasizing about it, because his breath catches in his throat whenever he looks at Jungkook after thinking like this.

“Don’t be afraid to make yourself at home,” Jungkook says as he unlocks his door. He has to let go of Soobin’s hand as he does this, but Soobin forgives him. “We don’t have visitors often, but whatever’s mine is yours.”

Soobin’s knees feel weak as he steps inside Jungkook’s dorm. From what he had seen so far of the building, he had known that it would be far more extravagant than his own dorm, but he hadn’t quite managed to guess how beautiful and open the space is.

It feels like home, though. There are a few dishes in the kitchen sink, a sweatshirt tossed over the side of the sofa, and a collection of DVDs scattered in front of the TV in the living room, like someone had recently searched through them. Jungkook’s bedroom is the first down the hallway by the living room. “I’m sorry for the mess,” he says, pushing open the door to show Soobin inside.

Soobin is about to say that he doesn’t mind a little clutter, that he’s the one his group is always complaining about in terms of cleanliness, but he’s distracted by taking in the sight of Jungkook’s room. The space is as large as the room he shares with Beomgyu, and it’s filled with items that scream _Jungkook._

At the center of the room is Jungkook’s bed, freshly made.

Jungkook clears his throat, startling Soobin from his thoughts. “Wanna order bingsu?” he asks. His hands twitch, and Soonin suddenly wishes that he was holding one again.

“Yes, please,” Soobin says, even though they’d already had dessert at the restaurant and he’s supposed to be on a diet.

While they wait for their order to be delivered, they talk. And then they talk more as they eat, until Soobin is looking at Jungkook’s lips more than he’s looking at Jungkook, and they’ve migrated so close to each other on Jungkook’s sofa that it feels like the most natural thing in the world when Jungkook cups Soobin’s chin with one hand and asks, “May I kiss you?”

Soobin doesn’t lack confidence, not at all, when he closes the distance between him and Jungkook and kisses him. Jungkook tastes like strawberries and a promise, and Soobin doesn’t pull away until he’s out of breath and Jungkook looks at him with stars in his eyes.

Soobin lets Jungkook kiss him, and he wonders why he was ever nervous.

* * *

And then, just as things are starting to get good, the whole world stops.

Soobin doesn’t have many nervous habits, but he tends to chew on his lips when he gets anxious. He always keeps a tube of chapstick on him, just in case they crack and hurt. He’s applied chapstick three times in the past hour, but it tastes like strawberry bingsu and he just keeps licking it off.

Soobin receives the text just as he begins fiddling with the cap of the chapstick for the fourth time. _Whole tour postponed. They say no definite dates yet but that just means they’re afraid to tell us we won’t be touring until next year._

He pockets the chapstick. His thumbs hover over the keyboard of his phone. The news that BTS’s massive worldwide stadium tour is being postponed due to the rapidly evolving pandemic doesn’t come as a surprise, but it’s no less devastating. Just last week, Soobin had attended a meeting where he’d been told to break the news to his members that their first ever tour was to be postponed indefinitely.

The members had been waiting for him at the door of their apartment, anxiously looking forward to Soobin’s news. They’d only needed to take one look at his face to guess what he had been told. He had felt like a monster, killing the last bit of hope in their eyes, even though they’d all known that this would be happening, even though it’s for the best.

They had spent the rest of the night wallowing, allowing themselves a chance to grieve before setting their sights on how to make the most of their time. Kai sat in Soobin’s lap for most of the night, and they ate through a rather impressive amount of their stock of comfort snacks. At the end of the night, they covered the floor of their living room with pillows and blankets and slept together, all five of them. And this, for one night, comforted Soobin.

Sometimes it hurts to adapt, but it’s simply a part of their job description. A little mourning had been in order, but most of TXT’s discussions these days center around how they’re going to give love back to their fans, the songs they’re writing, their requests to the company to bump up their comeback date so they can connect with their fans faster and stay busy instead of letting grief and sorrow consume them, as tempting as it often may be.

But it wouldn’t be fair for Soobin to remind Jungkook of this so early on, because _it gets better_ is the last thing he’d wanted to hear as his world had seemed to fall apart around him. Jungkook is wise, he knows this, but Soobin understands how hopeless he must feel.

It’s hard for him to imagine the sadness that must be gripping Jungkook right now. He’d been able to talk endlessly about how excited he was for BTS’s tour a few months ago—and then Soobin had watched as this excitement faded to anxiety. It seems trivial now, that Soobin had been so worried about how their budding relationship would hold up while both of them were on tour. It kills him to imagine Jungkook such pain.

He decides that he can’t wait any longer to answer Jungkook’s text. _Hyung, are you okay? Do you want me to keep you company tonight?_ He sends the message before he can overthink how empty his words may sound, how Jungkook might not like that he’s invited himself to take care of him even though he doesn’t know how Jungkook is feeling right now.

He tries to imagine it, but he knows that whatever Jungkook is going through is probably nothing compared to what Soobin can come up with. Jungkook lives for the stage, and the millions of fans he was scheduled to meet over the summer were his lifeline—and this lifeline had been ripped away from him while all he could do was stand by and watch it happen.

Jungkook’s reply comes sooner than Soobin had expected it to. _It’s okay, bunny. I’ll be okay._ Soobin’s heart warms at the nickname, but this chest is still tight with worry. He’s not surprised that Jungkook wants to be alone right now—or that he doesn’t want his boyfriend to see him in such a state of distress—but he still wishes that he could do something more.

Before Soobin has a chance to decide whether or not he should text Jungkook back (if Jungkook is up for holding a conversation, if he might want to video call later, if he just wants to be left alone), he’s called for his turn for the photoshoot that the group is doing today. It’s the last thing he has to do before he goes home for the day and finally gets to rest, although he would change his plans in a heartbeat if he could spend time with Jungkook.

By the time Soobin is home, it doesn’t make sense for him to text Jungkook back, although he caves and sends a short goodnight message anyway. This has always been one of the challenges of their relationship, one that they had prepared themselves for as well as they could—that their schedules might not line up often, and that it could be difficult to find time for each other.

Soobin had often worried that maybe it wasn’t the right time for him, at least, to be in a relationship. But Jungkook had promised him that he would do everything in his power to make Soobin comfortable, and he trusts him. And, so far, it’s worked.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Taehyun asks Soobin. His eyes are wide with concern as he looks at Soobin, who hasn’t moved since he had set his bag down when they got home. “Is something wrong?”

Taehyun always notices when something is bothering Soobin, who then feels bad that he worries Taehyun. Taehyun’s tone catches Beomgyu’s attention, and he looks up expectantly from where he’s preparing himself a late-night snack. Soobin sighs. “Jungkook-hyung messaged me. BTS’s tour was postponed.”

 _“Oh,”_ Taehyun says. “Are you going to see him?”

“He wants to be alone for now.”

Taehyun frowns. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Soobin doesn’t talk about his relationship with Jungkook often, at least not in detail, but if he does have concerns, his go-to confidants are Taehyun and Yeonjun. He shrugs. “I don’t think there’s anything else I can do for him right now.”

Taehyun gives Soobin a look that he’s seen many times before, one that translates roughly to: _Don’t keep this bottled up. I’m here for you if you need me_ —and Soobin knows that it won’t be long at all before Taehyun gets the truth out of him.

Soobin ends up sandwiched between Beomgyu and Taehyun, watching a movie together to de-stress even though it’s late and they have early schedules. Beomgyu falls asleep on Soobin’s chest before long, and Soobin strokes his hair and pretends to watch the movie, unable to stop _thinking._

It’s been a few months since Soobin had started dating Jungkook, and only weeks since they had officially become serious, although they’re loose with labels. This is partially because it’s hard for them to find time to go on proper dates, most of which take place at each other’s apartments these days. Due to the pandemic, it’s incredibly risky for them to be spotted outside, and Soobin has lost all real desire to go out anyway.

About two months after their accidental first date, they had had The Conversation—the one where Soobin confessed that he wasn’t sure that he would be able to keep up with Jungkook, that he might not understand him, and Jungkook admitted that commitment scares him, because he’s always feared that, no matter how much he does for his partner, it would ever make up for the fact that it can be difficult for him to be present for them.

Soobin has never been in a relationship like this, or even thought that it was possible to be able to talk so openly with a partner about their thoughts and fears. Just by admitting his worries, Soobin felt less scared. And he saw it on Jungkook’s face, too, the realization that they’re _good_ for each other in a way that other people haven’t been good for them in the past, that this could _work._

And so Jungkook reassured Soobin that he makes him feel grounded and _human_ like he sometimes struggles to feel, that he’s willing to do what he can to let Soobin into his world, as much as he wants to be by his side. He reassured Soobin that he’s the person that he not only wants, but _needs,_ that he cares for him deeply and knows that Soobin understands, potentially more than almost anyone else in the world, and he’s perfect the way he is; he doesn’t have to change to be with Jungkook, because their careers are only one detail of their relationship.

Soobin reassured Jungkook that they _will_ find a way to make this work, that what they have is already satisfying, that time apart makes them appreciate the time they have together even more. He reassured Jungkook that, just because their relationship may be unconventional to some, it isn’t any less _good_ or meaningful. It isn’t any more likely to fail. They don’t need to try to be something they aren’t.

After talking about this, Soobin felt so light that he could have walked on water. But there was still hesitation in Jungkook’s eyes, and it scared Soobin, so he asked what was wrong, and Jungkook confessed one last fear.

“Soobin-ah, people tell me that I’m just like the person I am on camera. And I wish that were true, because I want to be someone deserving of that much love,” he said. “But sometimes I wish I had secrets left to keep. Sometimes I think thaT I won’t have anything left to give to the ones I love.”

“Hyung,” Taehyun whispers, his voice quiet as not to wake Beomgyu. “You know that I’m here for you if you need me, right?”

Soobin smiles. Taehyun’s nose scrunches when he presses a kiss to the top of his head. “I know.”

He thinks about dropping the conversation; Taehyun would let him, because he’s good like that, at not forcing people to talk before they’re ready. He _wants_ to talk, though. He wants Jungkook to be okay, really, but he can’t force Jungkook to be okay. He needs to let Jungkook come to him, just like how Taehyun is always patient with Soobin.

“I’m worried that Jungkook is growing distant,” Soobin says. His hand stills in Beomgyu’s hair. His breath catches in his throat a bit, because he’s more afraid of these words than he’d like to admit. ‘We’re usually good at talking to each other, but I don’t want to drift away from him like I have from other people.”

One of the many things that the pandemic has done is make it harder for Soobin to stay in contact with his friends. He has little energy for socializing these days. Jungkook is different, though. He has to be.

“Don’t worry too much,” Taehyun says. He yawns. “Jungkook-hyung is crazy about you. If it’s meant to be, that won’t happen. And I don’t think it will.”

“My Taehyunie, always so wise.” Taehyun yawns again and cuddles close to Soobin like Beomgyu has. His eyes begin to droop shut, and Soobin is hit with an overwhelming wave of fondness for him.

It’s too late for Soobin to be keeping Taehyun awake with his relationship problems. He’s just about to suggest to Taehyun that they go to bed—that they can sleep together, if he wants—when Taehyun speaks again. “Soobin-hyung,” he says, his words slurring cutely in his exhaustion. “I love you.”

They’re words that Soobin doesn’t think they say to each other often enough, but they slip out now that Taehyun is tired—or because he knows that it’s what Soobin needs to hear.

“I love you, too, Taehyun-ah.” There’s a lump in Soobin’s throat as he says it. He hopes that Taehyun, and all of his boys, know how deeply he means this. They’re a family, and they always will be. And all of them deserve love, the love they can give each other, and so much more.

Jungkook, too, deserves love, even though he doesn’t think that he deserves all that he’s gotten. Soobin doesn’t want Jungkook to think for a second longer that he isn’t.

When he looks down at Taehyun again, he’s asleep. Soobin lets his eyes closer. One more minute surrounded by the boys he loves so much can’t hurt.

* * *

The distance between Soobin and Jungkook only continues to grow.

Soon, Soobin becomes exponentially more busy. He only manages to see Jungkook once before his days are filled with comeback preparations, amplified greatly compared to the work they were doing before. Recording sessions, dance practices, filming—Soobin barely has time to think or breathe outside of his work. His dreams are continuations or his waking life. He never truly rests.

The last thing he has time for is his relationship with BTS Jungkook, who is equally busy with Festa and concert preparations.

In May, TXT’s third album is released, and their team’s hard work pays off. Soobin does love his job dearly, from making music to dancing when it _clicks_ to connecting with fans. It’s hard to keep up his energy in these conditions, though. Usually it’s the fans who reinvigorate him at this point, just when things are starting to feel bleak despite the thrill of creation.

He doesn’t have that now, but somehow he keeps going. He and his team, they adapt together.

They’re recording for Mcountdown one night—morning?—when their manager points them to an array of bouquets in their waiting room. “These are for us?” Soobin asks, disbelieving. Individual gifts like this are somewhat uncommon, and it’s the last thing he expects after a long day of recording.

“Yes.” Their manager is busy on his phone. He glances at Soobin before leaving them alone.

Kai immediately bounces over to check the cards taped to the plastic wrapping the flowers. “They’re from BTS-sunbaenims!” he exclaims. Beomgyu’s jaw drops. Taehyun squeaks and joins Kai in inspecting the flowers. His face becomes bright red when he looks at one of the tags.

The flowers are distributed in under a minute, which doesn’t surprise Soobin at all. Each of the cards is addressed to a member, with a short but personalized message inside. Yeonjun is the one who finds Soobin’s bouquet. “I think this one is yours,” he says, smirking, and Soobin playfully rolls his eyes and takes the flowers. His card is the only one in a standard letter envelope. He feels inexplicably nervous as he tears it open and glances at the bottom of the letter, where Jungkook’s name is signed, confirming his suspicions.

_Soobin,_

_Congratulations! I know that I’ve already congratulated you on the release of your album, so I hope you don’t find this message redundant, but I wanted to say it again. Congrats, too, on the success of your promotions so far! You’ve been working hard, and this hard work will pay off._

_I like that your album has made me think a lot, and so have your promotions, too. I’m proud of you. I think you already know this, but you deserve to hear it: I’m proud of you!! You’re making a lot of people happy with this album. You’re making the world a better place. I hope you’re making yourself happy, too. You deserve it._

_I hope to congratulate you in person, soon, Soobin-ah. Things this good are worth celebrating, don’t you think?_

_Good luck on the rest of your promotions. You’re doing well, so remember to enjoy the moment as much as you can even if it’s hard sometimes. You have a team and so many others who are eager to support you, so let them do that sometimes, okay?_

_I miss you. I’ll see you soon, I promise._

_Jungkook_

Soobin doesn’t notice that he has been holding his breath until he can breathe again. He feels dizzy as he sucks in a deep breath of air. He’s grateful that the other members, who had originally been eager to hear what the letter said, are giving him space right now.

Jungkook’s letter hadn’t been explicitly romantic, and, if someone else had opened it, they probably wouldn’t assume that Soobin and Jungkook are together, which Soobin supposes is the point. But he doesn’t need grand declarations of love to know that Jungkook cares about him. This is just enough.

A part of him, though, a part of him that he doesn’t like, is conflicted. _I’ll see you soon._ What does that even mean, these days? Why can’t they just see each other now? Why had Jungkook seemed so self-conscious in his letter, if he had put so much effort into writing and sending it?

Soobin sighs and tucks the letter back in its envelope. It’s of no use agonizing over such things, which is arguably unfair to Jungkook anyway. It’s just how things have to be.

“It’s time for rehearsal,” Soobin calls. His members spring into action as if they hadn’t been waiting to see his reaction to his letter. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and decides not to let the letter distract him from his work.

_I’m proud of you._

After promoting _Can’t You See Me?_ , they promote _Puma._ there’s a music video, music show appearances, interviews, and not a single chance of seeing MOA aside from the occasional staff member who approaches them for an autograph. Festa is in full swing for Jungkook. He’s also putting the finishing touches on BTS’s next Japanese album.

It’s not as if they forget about each other, but even despite the fact that neither of them are touching, they’ve both been slammed with work. Soobin tries his best to message Jungkook at least once a day to make sure he knows that he’s thinking of him, but their conversations often take place over the course of several days, because they’re rarely available to talk at the same time. It’s even harder to coordinate the video calls they try to have at least once a week. It wasn’t even like this during award show season.

Soobin knows that Jungkook isn’t purposefully blowing him off, and vice versa, but this was exactly what they were both afraid of.

They make it work. They talk. But sometimes the struggle feels endless. Soobin’s heart leaps into his throat every time he receives a message from Jungkook. He doesn’t know if this is because of excitement or anxiety.

He tries not to let himself feel too sad about it. The experience they’re living is only temporary, but this doesn’t mean that Soobin wants to live like this any longer.

Still, tonight, after his schedules, he crawls into bed alone and lets his emotions overwhelm him. He doesn’t cry. But he closes his eyes and lets everything that he’s worried about hit him all at once.

His cancelled tour. His desire to be even better than ever for MOA to make it up to them, even though he can barely find the energy to get out of bed to do so without them sometimes. His fears that his members are struggling more than they let him know, and that he won’t be able to help them.

His anxiety about screwing up—that rumors will spread or a scandal will erupt or one of them will get sick. Or his family, who he hasn’t been able to see in months, because it’s safer not to. He can _sort of_ see Jungkook, but he can’t see his family. And he isn’t ever really seeing Jungkook, but he would do anything to see his family.

 _Jungkook._ Jungkook has been Soobin’s boyfriend for about six months, but it doesn’t feel like it. Soobin really does like him a lot. But romantic relationships aren’t the most important thing in his life, or Jungkook’s. They shouldn’t be. Soobin wouldn’t break up with Jungkook because of this, though. He likes him too much. He means more to Soobin than just a romantic partner. He’s a good friend, maybe Soobin’s best friend, and he compliments Soobin well, like the opposite side of the same coin.

It scares Soobin, but he sees a future with Jungkook, and he thinks that Jungkook feels the same way. Isn’t that supposed to be exciting?

Soobin let’s his worries overwhelm him. And then he takes a deep breath, and casts them aside.

When he opens his eyes, he has a new message from Jungkook. It contains an audio file.

 _Hi, Soobin-ah. This is the song I was telling you about. It’s titled_ Still With You. _I wanted you to hear it first. ❤️❤️_

Soobin scrambles to find his headphones. His hands tremble a little as he opens the file, which might be ridiculous, but he misses Jungkook. And he’s been looking forward to this song. Jungkook has been working incredibly hard on it, and Soobin knows that. He’s nervous about releasing it, too.

_Your faint voice that brushes past me_

_Please call my name just one more time_

Soobin can’t help the tears that prick at the corners of his eyes as he listens to the song. It’s Jungkook’s song, there’s no doubt about that. He lets the song play again as he attempts to write out his thoughts for Jungkook. He wants to say something intellectual, maybe about the production or the melody and how well its suits Jungkook’s voice— _Jungkook’s voice_ —but, as he lets Jungkook’s beautiful lyrics wash over him, he knows that what he’s feeling is too big to put into words.

Soobin’s room is dark. Somewhere else in the dorm, his members are talking and laughing, but all Soobin can hear is the subtle noise from the air conditioner. Gentle rain patters against his window. Knowing that Jungkook is feeling the same thing as him right now—that he’d felt the same thing in the past, too, and had written about it, that he’s always been with Soobin like this—makes him feel more present with Jungkook than he has in weeks.

_Hold me in your arms then_

_Because that moon looked lonely_

_Because it looked like it’s crying bright in the night sky_

_Hyung,_ Soobin types, _it’s beautiful. ARMYs will love it! ❤️_

Jungkook responds immediately. _You liked it? :)_

 _I loved it!!_ Soobin bites his lip and tastes strawberry bingsu. He wants to say more. He wants Jungkook to know how he feels. He decides to listen to the song again, hoping that it will inspire him.

But as he listens to _Still With You,_ the volume up high, Soobin is hit with a wave of sadness as potent as the one he had vowed to leave behind only a few minutes ago. He frowns deeply. He lies down with his head on his pillow, trying to fight away the fear and pain that makes it to the forefront of his mind.

Soobin falls asleep with _Still With You_ on loop, message halfway typed-out to Jungkook, desperately wishing that the song was written for him.

_When I meet you again_

_I’ll look into your eyes and tell you_

_“I’ve missed you”_

_In the memories of entrancing moments,_

_even if I dance alone, it still rains_

* * *

On a sunny day in mid-June, Soobin and Kai are cuddled together on the long couch in the BigHit artist lounge, watching a video on Soobin’s phone. They have no warning for when Jungkook walks into the room.

Kai promptly launches himself off Soobin’s lap and greets Jungkook with a bow, speaking so quickly that not even Soobin can decipher his words. Jungkook greets him back with a wide smile on his face. “Good morning, Kai-yah,” he says warmly. Kai hovers around him for a moment longer before he promptly seems to remember that Soobin is in the room and squeaks out something that resembles a goodbye, leaving Jungkook and Soobin alone.

“Hey, hyung,” Soobin says breathlessly. It’s been—well, it’s been a while since Soobin saw his boyfriend in person, and even longer still since they had last run into each other like this. Jungkook is wearing workout clothes, so Soobin guesses that he had recently had dance practice. Soobin himself had just ended a Vlive. “Do you wanna—sit? If you have time?”

Soobin winces at how awkward he knows he sounds, but Jungkook nods eagerly and sits down beside Soobin. The atmosphere is slightly stilted, but Soobi doesn’t care; he’s just excited to be with Jungkook. “I have about an hour before my next schedule,” Jungkook says softly, and Soobin practically breathes a sigh of relief. It’s almost too good to be true.

For a moment, they simply look at each other. A few conversation topics come to mind, and while they’re all things Soobin would like to talk to Jungkook about, he realizes that he doesn’t need to force conversation with him. Weariness shows in Jungkook’s eyes, but Soobin can tell that he’s happy. He’s searching Soobin’s expression for his thoughts, too. When their eyes meet, Jungkook smiles. “I missed you,” he says. Soobin’s heart skips a beat.

They could have a serious discussion now. Soobin wants Jungkook to know that he wants to recommit himself to Jungkook. He’s not sure that this is the place for that, though. It’s a conversation that they should have in person, but they shouldn’t discuss the details of it at the company building.

“I missed you, too,” Soobin says. He moves closer to Jungkook, longing to touch him, to make up for lost time. “How have you been?”

He hates that it sounds like they haven’t been talking to each other. He hates that it sounds superficial. He hates that he even has to ask this question.

“To be honest, it feels like a part of me has been missing,” Jungkook says, all in a rush, like he’d been waiting to admit this for some time. “And a part of that is because I’ve been missing you. I’m glad we’re together now. I don’t want to let that much time pass again without us seeing each other.”

Soobin has read before, in Jungkook’s interviews, that his members have described him as shy, although usually matter-of-fact in his manner of speaking. But right now, they’re back to how they’ve always been, speaking openly about the things that are bothering them, and to Soobin it feels like coming home.

“I know exactly what you mean,” Soobin says. Relief warms Jungkook’s expression. “Can we—can we start seeing each other more often?” He feels guilty as soon as he asks for it. Is this even something he can commit to? “Only if you have time, I mean, I know we’re both busy—“

“I want that, too,” Jungkook says. He looks a bit surprised at himself. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you. It’s just that I want you to know that I’m going to be better about making time.” He reaches out to take Soobin’s hands, and they fit together perfectly. “I’m serious about you, Soobin-ah. I know that things have been tough, but it hasn’t made me any less committed to you.”

Jungkook is, by far, the most romantic person Soobin has ever been involved with. It’s _unfair_ that he can make him feel this way just by saying things that Soobin also deeply believes. It’s just _Jungkook_ —his honesty, who he is, and the feelings Soobin harbors for him.

“I’m serious about you, too,” Soobin says. And then adds, before he loses his nerve, before the moment is interrupted: “Hyung, I love you.”

This isn’t the first time Soobin had told Jungkook that he loves him, but it’s never stopped holding the same weight that it did the first time they'd said it. It’s the type of love that exists so rarely for people that lead lives similar to theirs. It’s love that makes Soobin feel alive every day. And Jungkook should hear it. Soobin should tell him more often—even if it’s a bit dramatic for midday in their company lounge, an experience they might laugh at later, even if it takes Jungkook off guard.

But Jungkook’s love caught Soobin off guard, too, and every moment he spends with him is a gift. Jungkook should know that Soobin would do _so much_ to make sure that they get to spend even more time together like this, enjoying their love and the way they brighten each other’s lives.

Jungkook grins. “I love you, too.” Soobin squeezes his hands and he laughs, high and clear and light, just like how Soobin feels. “I love you so much.”

When was the last time Soobin was this happy? It finally feels like things could get better, even though their conversation was short, and they have more to work through, and the distance between them isn’t exactly the root cause of their problems.

The thought that happiness this good can be so fleeting, especially in times like these, scares Soobin. The crash from the high can be so severe that he’d be lying if he said that he hasn’t caught himself wondering if it’s even worth it to allow himself such happiness.

Soobin is tired of living in fear. He’s ready to move on, to embrace what he has with Jungkook, to live fearlessly in pursuit of love.

As Soobin gazes serenely at Jungkook, he suddenly realizes that they’re sitting very, very close. “Hey,” Jungkook says softly, his words just for Soobin even if they hadn’t been alone, “I don’t think anyone will be coming around here for a while.”

Jungkook’s words are an invitation, just like on their third date, when he had invited Jungkook back to his apartment to talk—and to kiss him for the first time. Soobin _really_ wants to kiss him.

It’s one of the things he misses most when they struggle to make time for each other. Soobin _loves_ skinship. He especially loves the way Jungkook kisses him, how he’s so in-tune with what Soobin wants, how it’s always exciting and there’s always a _spark_ between them even when Jungkook kisses him carefully and deliberately and lovingly.

This truly does feel like the first time all over again, maybe because this is a new beginning for them. Jungkook tilts his head and the corners of his eyes crinkle cutely and he says, “May I kiss you?” and Soobin nods and leans in.

With Jungkook’s lips pressed against his, it’s easy for Soobin to forget that they’re in a very public place, and that, if you had asked him a few hours ago, he would have said that he was nervous about touching Jungkook again after they had spent so much time apart. Jungkook kisses Soobin with one hand at the small of his waist, pulling him closer until they’re flush against each other. Soobin tangles his fingers in Jungkook’s long hair and Jungkook lets out a soft whine when Soobin tugs on it, just a bit.

Soobin thinks about what Taehyun had said—that if they’re meant to be, then Soobin and Taehyun will be able to make it work. He thinks back to when he had asked Jungkook, “Is this a date?” and realizes that not much has changed, because Soobin still isn’t sure, exactly, of who he is or what they are. But he’s not scared, not anymore—because he knows that he has Jungkook alongside him, and together they’ll learn and grow and their future will only bring out more of the good they have now.

Soobin can’t stop himself from smiling against Jungkook’s lips. They aren’t really kissing anymore, but Soobin is filled with happiness because he knows that this will happen again. “That’s it, Soobin-ah,” Jungkook says. He kisses one of Soobin’s dimples, and then the tip of his nose. “By the way, I have a free day off this weekend. Do you want to—”

“Yes, yes, _yes,”_ Soobin says, pressing the words against Jungkook’s lips.

Jungkook answers him with a proper kiss. Soobin’s heart soars. He feels—content. One day the world will go back to normal and all of the bad things will seem like a dream, but they made it through them together. And if they can make it through days like this, loving each other more and more all the while, then they can stay together as partners through anything.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/hopefulgcf)!!!


End file.
